every time this happens i feel so nauseated...
i cant help it i feel like throwing up or passing out or something
i just get so sick to my stomach.. i dont know i just.. i dont feel so good..
not emotionally.. thats another story but physically..
i feel sick :[alfkjs i think im gonna go... i feel really fucking sick..

why am i always juggling between two guys?
cant we just get our emotions and wants straight here so i know who to pick?
ugghhhblahhlkgjdksgjs
yea..

I miss you pretty badly..
and a month just seems so far away i dont know if i can even do this..
im really mad that you put me in this position :[ why did you have to do that to me? its so unfair :/
"oh and btw im going to iraq"
wtf was that.... how the hell am i supposed to react to such a thing?! and the whole asking me out thing...
why ?.. why would you ask me out j :/ i mean if youre already gone, then going to be gone for months and months and months and then leaving for iraq!!!!! where you could just never ever come back again
how the hell could you have the nerve to ask me to be your girlfriend..
i mean i really really like you.. but thats just so messed up and so unfair.
:[ i guess im done being mad at you for now :/
i just wish you had never left.. i think we could have really been something :[
i miss you a lot lately
you never text me anymore whats up with that :/
blah w.e almost one more month till i see you again
i hope you get in touch with me before that..

Ive been thinking about Julian a lot lately..
and i dont even know why :[
i mean it seems like every time i think about him
i only remember the good times.. not any of the bad :/
which is good.. but not really since hes not here anymore and if i forget the bad times then i wont have anything to keep me from missing him
i dont even know what im trying to say.. i mean if he was bad then it would be easier to forget him.. but when you can only remember the good times :[ thats when youre in trouble

and with Brandon im always like oh well its okay i mean hes like that thats just how he is blah blah blah.. yea i like him but seriously?
if hes not treating me how id like to be treated why do i still like him?
i text/call/comment him and he wont reply.
why is that okay with me?
it shouldnt be..
i just wish i had someone
thats really all..
and i honestly dont wanna have to do what i dont want to just to get their attention
i wanna find someone that likes me for me..
now is that so hard :[
is that too much to ask for ? :/
ugh lskjflakjfl someone get me a cute boy to lean on :[ im tired of being alone :[

Everythings been so weird
so confusing and shit

for example!
- girls are just so freaking weird
thats why i try to be friends with less and less of them everyday
theyre so hard to keep happy its just klajflkjsf i mean i love the girl friends i have currently and id do anything for them, but sometimes they confused the shit out of me..
like theyre mad at me for something that wasnt supposed to be hurtful or w.e
or they bail out on you last minute
or they dont show their true friendship when the times right
its always somethingggg, like leaving you behind or trying to leave you out
its so weird... i wish all this drama didnt happen between girls its ridic :/

then there is boys...
- theyre just a hugeeeeeeeee ball of confusion for me
first we break up, then you wanna get back, i give last chance, you crush it, then you want back in? whats up with that... are you just trying to get in my pants or see how many girls you can get... or do you actually care? should i even ask that.. cus lately it seems like all guys want is some pussy.
then theres you. perfect [for me, maybe?] you, perfect little you :/
i just wish i knew what was going on inside that head of yours
sometimes i feel like youre flirting with me then i feel like youre just being friendly...
maybe youre always being friendly? but then sometimes you ignore me..
and other times youre always there for me and want to be around me
sometimes you joke with me in a cute way and sometimes you just straight up make fun of me
its so hard for me to come out with my feelings for you... i tried
and i got an answer i wanted but it was just an answer :/ when i tried to follow it up you didnt show it at all
you said it. but was it just to make the creep go away? or did you really mean it?
id like to think you really meant it but i dont think you did :/

then there is those girls
two of them :/
one you still hang out with her all the time, when you told me you didnt even wanna be friends with her ... what was that about? i keep hearing you guys are together
then theres the other girl
i see you with her all the time during passing periods and lunch
do you like her? does she like you?
are you guys just friends or do you wanna be more? are you more?
whats the deal...
what are we? just friends? or friends that might have feeling for eachother?
i know how i feel about you.... but.. how do you feel about me?
:/ so confusing
and i keep wanting to be with someone.. just so im not alone and thats terrible because i know n isnt the one for me.. nor does he want to be t.. what am i even thinking? i dont think so... and j.. not going back to that no way. ive heard things and well.. "things" stick on your mind
just take a deep breath
maybe things will someday follow up :/ i just wish that day would come sooner...

Its not fair how things work out for me..
i have the worse luck with guys :[
ugh lksjaflask i hate myself for doing this
i hate myself for letting my feelings get too far
and for letting myself like him :/
and now what? hes leaving... yep.
just leaving
who knows if he has to leave for years
or months
or if ill get to see him on the weekends even..
would he rather see me? or go out with his friends and hang out with them ? :/
does he even really like me..
does he want a relationship?
or does he just like hanging out with me and "dating" is his thing...
can i even trust him ? :/...
ughhh everythings so complicated
i hate how all day today i was looking for him and i wanted to talk to him and see him so bad
and all i got was "hes in san antonio signing papers for the army"
oh.. lovely? why didnt he say he was leaving so soon...
i wasnt expecting it at all :/
i just dont understant.. i mean i knew he was going.. but i guess it didnt process untill he really.. really.. just.. went?
:[ man it really sucks going through this..
i mean if he does like me then it sucks even worse cus this will be the second time ill be stuck in a hole like this :/
i dont wanna wait.. i hate having to wait
i dont wanna have to lay off in seeing him and be limited on time..
and always worry and wait :[
i hate how i fall so easily
im gunna feel so stupid if i find out he doesnt even like me like that :/
i just wanna know.. if i saw him today i would have known more
i hope i see him soon...
i really just klsjlf need to talk to him i guess :/
and it really bugs me that chris is giving him shit for it you know..? thats so mean
like okay i get it im 16.. but why do you have to do that :/ alksjflkasjf ugh.
i guess im done venting for now... ill be back tmr for more :/
but for now im gunna go eat.. im starving :[

blaahhhl ksajflksa im really fucking upset right now haha
and i dont say that often..

okay so
I dont understand how everything just flips in a few weeks...
i thought i was the one that was supposed to move on first :/
but apparently he has... i wouldnt be surprised if he had sex with her in a few weeks too :/
that would really fucking suck for me..
i dont think he understands how hurt i am...
like does he not realize that i havnt done ANYTHING with anyone :/
i may flirt and i may say some guys are cute and look at them..
but i dont makeout with them or sit on their laps you know..
its just not fair :[
i dont understand why he wont even try to like... make me feel better :/
blah idk :[ it makes me feel like he doesnt give a shit really..
and ugh idk :[ i just i dont want them to go out.. i dont know why :/
i know we wont get back together but i dont want him to be with someone else.. it makes me feel like he never cared about me :[
and now vickis like switching all her classes to have with him i know she has like a few with him already and she wants PE with him too... how skajflksa ugh..
shes so lucky
im SO jealous of her :/
and jakes kind of mean..
idk it makes me feel like hes telling me to just suck it up and move on that there are other guys
but does he not realize that i cant move on... i cant lskajflsk want other guys? :[
hmph... i dont know what to do
and travis is a whore
every guy is a whore..
every single one of them chris travis drew julian .. zachs on his way
i mean hes gorgeous so why not?
all those guys are cute.. maybe thats why haha
we make them whores
bleh anyway
i havnt talked to zach in like forever
i do miss him :/ i wonder if he misses me or even thinks about me
i bet when hes with vicki he doesnt at all :/
idk if theyre gunna go out or not... i bet they are :[[
ugh it makes me feel sick like literally..
i dont want him with her i dont want him to kiss her i dont want him to hold her or any of that i dont like it :/ it makes me feel like hes cheating on me but were not even together so thats really really weird that i feel like that..
i guess i feel like shes taking him away from me :/
he used to always be on and talk to me
now hes always at her house or hanging out with her and stuff :/
he really hurt me.... really :/
im so serious :/
ive never been that hurt before...
it just honestly really sucks :/
and i have work tmr
idk what im gunna do pretend like nothing happend or confront him about it
i wonder what hed do if i did though.. that would be interesting haha
maybe hell ignore me the whole day or maybe hell be mean to me or maybe hell still try to get with me
either way its not gunna be good

It was... interestingg hahah
i have C lunch both days which im happy about
and i LOVEEE my ceramics II class its amazing
i like my ap art studio too but mrs.ebert doesnt sound so great :/
history teachers niceee and im deff falling sleep in chemistry this year...
fun funnn and im going to miss so much school because of my braces :/ and i hate falling behind so thats so not good :[
i know i have ap psych with mahsa! so i have one class with her atleast :]
i have lunch with lena both dayss and with mahsa on B daysss
enas in my lunch too! so im like YAY! i have english with zoe!!! :]]]

ahhh today was good i guesssss
alot of interesting thingss
im pretty happy i just dont think i can get back into my old school habits right away its going to be weird going to bed earlier and waking up earlier and now getting off the comp at 12 which i suppose is a good thing and i should be grateful for it but idk :/ im not used to it and getting those boundaries like scare me ? or like they just shake me and i cant think about changing my ways :/

oh yea after school and stuff im not even gunna have time anymore
and i like.. i guess i dont mind it since i always do my homework late at night anyway i focus better then :/ and i just feel more comfy doing it late then doing it when i get home
and that wont even be possible because im still going to work and i have like ortho appointments and work and driving hours like tmr is the only time im free and then im free sunday thursday i have a doc appointment and friday and saturday i have work and monday i have a driving hourrr and then tuesday i check my schedule to see when i work again most likely sat and sunday or something but im pretty much packed and i was thinking about joining art club [dont laugh] i think it would help me get more practice and get better and my goal this year is to win something like an art contest that ill be entering i really hope i do :[ hahah

i hope my parents dont take my phone away either :/ theyve been like looking irritated with me texting all day
ayyyeee schools so askfjlksjf
i hope i have a good year
you know get to go to parties and work and get all As and Bs

then theres my private lifeeee [including boys family and friends] i think im going to write a journal about that in a minute but i wanna kinda keep it private :/ so if you read thiss and really really wanna know whats up just msg me and i might tell you if i cann
[understandable right?]

i need to catch up with old friends...
i miss some alot
like i know i shouldnt miss them i know maybe they werent the best of friends ive ever had or that we did "good" stuff while we were friends but i really really really miss them...
especially 2 of them which were my really good friends.. :[ i miss them alot
i wish i still had their numbers :/
i hope they dont hate me hahah
i guess the only way to find out is to go for it huh?
i wish for too many things
yet i still dont fully want them :/ theres always a stupid catch
i hate itttttt
i wish some things would just happen .. or would just be :/
or would just not happen you know?
summers been gay...
i wanna meet new people do new things go new placesss get new things :/
that reminds me my brother owes me 250 and my mom owes me 42 woo hoo hahaha
ughh anyway my point wassssssss
i wanna get out of here!
summers almost over and it is defffff not what i had in mind...
the only good thing that happend was.. well i dont even wanna say
i cant wait for tomorrow..
and i feel terrible.

Apparently i cant do one thing right ..
i have to be a certain way EVERYDAY
like if im having a bad day its an automatic x on my side
i have to be everything he wants me to be everyday
if we miss one day then its like ... hell like ... do you not like me anymore?
do you think im gross? did i do something to bother you? and he gets all upset
im like omg can you just talk to me. just talk to me. even if im not talking back... idk
like today i wasnt talking much
i wasnt in a good mood i just kinda wanted to be left alone or have small talk w.e
but he was like youre not even talking and then he started saying stuff about how im not being all mushy with him
its like.. its only been like 2/3 days..
and the days we werent i was either not home or you werent or we were having a fight
i mean weven been so good lately..
and just this one day when i dont feel good and i just wanna be left alone
he get all upset/mad at me for not saying i love you to him and smothering him every chance i get
i just dont feel like talking...
so im like you know what..
im gunna go take a shower
and then he leaves right away
oh yea and hes like so were not talking tonight
and im like wow are you serious?
like.. why the hell would you wanna talk to me anyway
if im not talking at all and you finally know that something is wrong and what happend last night
what is there for us to talk about
youll just be wasting minutes and ill be quiet cus idk what to say and im in a bad mood
but w.e
he can call me and sure we can try
but im not gunna say itll be easy..
i just didnt think it was a good idea cus i dont want us to get in a fight over it
ugh i dont know..
whatever.